Thursday, January 15, 2009

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Genre - Horror
Year Released - 2009
Running Time - 100 minutes
Rated R (for graphic brutal horror violence and grisly images throughout, some strong sexuality, graphic nudity and language)
Directed by Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000, Ascension, & Legacy as well as The Prophecy 3 and White Noise 2)
Written by Todd Farmer (Jason X and The Messengers) and Zane Smith
*Based on the 1981 original screenplay John Beaird (Happy Birthday to Me) and Stephen Miller
Cast Includes:
Jensen Ackles (Alec from Dark Angel, C.J. from Dawson's Creek, Jason Teague from Smallville, and most recently Dean in Supernatural)
Jaime King (Sin City - and it's upcoming sequel, The Tripper, Pearl Harbor, Bullet Proof Monk)
Kerr Smith (Jack from Dawson's Creek - he is also in Final Destination)
Edi Gathegi (Laurent from Twilight)
Tom Atkins (The Fog - 1980, Escape from New York, Halloween III, Night of the Creeps)
Kevin Tighe (Frank from Roadhouse)
Megan Boone

Rating: 2 Skulls

Plot Summary:
Haunted by the mining-related massacre that took place there on Valentine's Day a decade ago, Tom returns to his hometown to find some closure. But no sooner does he arrive than a pickax-wielding madman begins a new bloody killing spree. Now, many suspect that the murderous miner has returned to claim his final victims - including Tom.

This is the Japanese Poster, which I just think is cool!

Review:
I know that I am going to get flak from this one [what with my recent 5 Skull rating of The Unborn and all, but I would take that movie over this one, any day!]

To be fair though, I was never a fan of the original. In fact, I was actually excited over this re-make, thinking that perhaps they could turn a lack-luster film into a better version. Alas, I was wrong.

Granted, there were some great kills in this one, and the 3-D effects were top-notch [in fact, that is the only reason to see this film in the theatre] however, the story was chock full of unbelievability and just plain dull. [and I'm not even going to mention the so cliche ending!]

The only way that I would recommend this film is to see it in 3-D, in the theatre.
If your theatre isn't showing it in 3-D, then don't waste your money, like I did - I went out to the special 10:00pm show tonight, braving -12 degree weather I might add [remember, I'm from Florida!] and blew $12.00 [yes, I wasn't too happy that the local theatre charged extra for 3-D] :-(

Here's the trailer:


Even though I didn't like this one, like I said, it had some decent kills [even if they were CGI]
For the record, my favorite kill was the death by shovel, and my favorite 3-D moment was when the lower half of a jaw bone was ripped off and thrown "my way" [this included a nice spray of 3-D blood with it] :-)

Jason

20 comments:

iMike said...

Death by shovel...lol, thats awesome. I remember as a kid in the 80s, I actually loved the original. I thought it was so awesome. Then I saw it again last year for the first time in like 20 years... It. Was. BAD. ha

I'll steer clear of this one!

Bo said...

We've been on opposite sides of the past couple of films, but I did enjoy Valentine. I felt it was as good as any of the slashers from the '70s and '80s, with better production and some cool 3-D effects. Still, if you're looking for story, I agree you won't find it here. Still walked away from this one happy, though!

Andrew Simon said...

Damn, that doesn't sound good; I was gonna check it out today. Luckily my local theater won't be showing it in 3-D, so it won't be as bloody expensive. At the very least, how was Jensen Ackles? (who is pretty much the main reason I wanted to see it)

Bearded Weirdo Reviews said...

I'm actually going to see this tonight. I'm considering reviewing it, but I haven't decided. Either way, I'll have to leave ya another comment after I've seen.

Rev. Fred Phantom said...

This is pretty much what I'm getting out of most reviews for this one, great 3D and gore but not much else. I must say--I'm shocked!! (note my subtle sarcasm) lol

thebonebreaker said...

Mike,

Like Bo said below your comment, this one definitely had better production than the original [and way more gore!]

Still, that didn't save the film. . .

J

thebonebreaker said...

Bo,

Yeah, that happens with us fans of the genre, from time to time :-)

There were definitely some rad 3-D effects! [the last 3-D film I saw in the theatre, I believe, was Spy Kids 3, so the effects have come a long way, even since then!

J

thebonebreaker said...

Andrew,

If you are going to see the film, I definitely recommend finding a theatre showing it in 3-D!!

As for Ackles - no different from any of his television series... [I like him, but his acting is nothing special]

J

thebonebreaker said...

William,

I'll be looking forward to hearing your thoughts. . .

J

thebonebreaker said...

Rev,

I haven't read any other reviews yet.

I, personally, was expecting it to be much better than it was :-(

Oh well - at least I saw the new trailer for Last House on the Left and Crank 2! :-)

J

Bo said...

I think it's interesting that two genre fans can be on totally opposite sides of two films, in this case The Unborn and My Bloody Valentine 3-D, but it goes to show the value of criticism, amateur or otherwise. The very things you disliked the film for (weak plot, thin characters) reminded me of all the other slashers I saw as a kid, but I can totally see how you could walk away from this movie frustrated. On the other hand, The Unborn... we gots to talk about that movie one of these days!

gotankgo said...

Haven't seen a 3-D flick in a theater since Comin' At Ya in the early eighties. When it's done well it's pretty happening, so that alone has me intrigued.

thebonebreaker said...

Bo,

Interesting indeed. . .
For those films, back in the day, I didn't mind/expect weak plots or thin characters, however times have changed [or I have any way] I prefer my movies with a little bit more depth now-a-days :-)

As for The Unborn - I honestly don't know - I guess that I was just caught off guard with that one
[I think that I am the only one on the planet that enjoyed it!] :-)

J

Lisa Bee said...

Cool review. Sorry you didn't like the film, but you made some really interesting points. And I agree, the 3-D effects were well done. 3-D has come a long way, hasn't it?

thebonebreaker said...

Scott,

If it's been that long, then you should go see this movie - just because [it will be worth it, for you, just to see the effects!] :-)

Like Lisa said, 3-D has come a long way!! [thanks for the comment Lisa!] :-)

J

Johnny said...

Atkins death was amazing! Didn't really care for the movie though and I agree with many of your points. Will post my thoughts on it within the next couple days on my blog.

Te* said...

I have never seen a good 3d film, especially not in Theaters, so I may have to go see this. Being a fan of the old one, I'm hoping that I will enjoy it.

thebonebreaker said...

Johnny,

I agree, and I will be looking forward to reading your thoughts. . .

Te,

If you have never seen good 3-D effects in a theatre, and you enjoyed the original, I do not see why you wouldn't like this one - even if you end up not liking it that much, it will be worth it, for you, to see the 3-D! :-)

J

Bearded Weirdo Reviews said...

Whoopsie! I told you I'd let you know my thoughts on this flick after I saw it... and I never got 'round to doin' it! Totally forgot. I'd considered reviewing it, but ultimately I didn't feel strongly enough about it either way to bother.
So here's my thoughts.
Pretty much what everyone else has been saying: Fun flick. The 3D rocks. A great cinema experience. But without the 3D, there isn't really anything else worth talking about.
Even if they release this sucker in 3D on DVD, it just won't be the same. In the theater, when the miner flung his pickaxe at the screen, I actually flinched. I knew it was coming. I knew it was an illusion. I knew the 3D was gonna be that damn good. I knew my body was gonna want to flinch, and I tried not to. But I flinched anyway. That pickaxe felt like it was a centimeter away from strikin' me right 'tween the eyes. That just ain't gonna be the same on DVD. On a little television set at home, even a big screen one, it just won't have the same impact. 3D in general works better when its HUUUUGE. When the pickaxe that's spinning towards your skull is only three inches in height, instead of twenty feet, it won't get the job done, ya know what I mean?
That being said, I gotta say the 3D was excellent. Extremely well done, and well-used. Besides the expected "in your face" gags, it was extremely well done in general, especially in the claustrophobic and multi-layered mine interiors, and made for an immensely immersive experience.
Not only that, but you don't just get 3D blood n' gore, but 3D boobies as well. Yeah! Also... 3D puppies, 3D grocery store shelf-stocking, 3D angst, 3D "lame plot twist", and, best of all, 3D TOM ATKINS MOUSTACHE!!! Lol.
I gotta say, as far as the story goes. Blah. Pretty straightforward and derivative. Clearly the emphasis here is on 3D and not writing, but that's expected. If anybody in the world went to My Bloody Valentine 3D looking for an inspired plot, unique characters, and realistic dialogue... well then such a person would be an idiot right from the start.
Speaking of the plot, I must say that when I was watching it, I felt less like I was seeing a My Bloody Valentine remake, and more like I was seeing a Cutting Class remake. I don't know if you've ever seen Cutting Class (if not, you should give it a look-see... it's a pretty good, slightly post-modern slasher flick... which featured Brad Pitt in one of his earliest, pre-fame roles) but the structure, and the source of much of the thematic tension, is exactly the same. Really, Valentine 3D's greatest story strengths come directly out of Cutting Class. In other words, that whole "who is the killer?" thing where the filmmakers know the audience is gonna be trying to figure it out, so rather than offer up a bunch of obvious red herrings and one unlikely suspect, who of course is actually it, like usual... so instead they focus on two characters, and spend the whole movie going back and forth between 'em, making you think "it's this guy... no wait, it's this guy... no wait, maybe they just want me to think it's this guy... or maybe they want me to think that they want me to think its this guy so I won't think it's this guy but it really is" over and over and over again. Same thing happens in Cutting Class, and its what made Cutting Class unique. Also, the ending (where it turns out the crazy guy from the mental institution who everyone thinks is the killer... well, actually IS the killer!) is exactly the same as in Cutting Class. And Jensen Ackles actually looks like his character counterpart from Cutting Class. It's kind of a creepy coincidence.
Anyway, all that being said, I must say there were a few stylistic flourishes beyond the 3D that I enjoyed, even in the midst of that terrible "I'm the killer but I don't know it"/multiple personalities plot twist, such as the moment where the killer is lumbering towards our heroes while smashing the lights with the pickaxe, and at the moment the pickaxe collides with the lightbulb and there's that momentary flash, you see him suddenly in the miner suit, for just an instant, in a blink-or-you'll-miss-it way,... that, I thought was pretty nifty.
Overall, dumb movie, and not much of an interesting remake (though at least it didn't brutally butcher the hell out of the source material, as remakes like The Hitcher and House Of Wax did), but a great, fun, "night on the town" flick that has an exceptionally short lifespan (if it's already out of theaters, or not in 3D, where someone is living... well, then, that someone has no reason to ever bother seeing it... without the big screen and the 3D, Valentine is worthless). I'd give it 3.5 out of 5. Lots of fun, EXTREMELY entertaining. But the writing and acting are all only mediocre, and the fact that it has virtually no re-watching value detracts from it as well.

thebonebreaker said...

William,

Thanks for getting back to me ~ I appreciate your thoughts, or should I say 'review, in and of itself'? :-)

I have not seen Cutting Class ~ I will have to add that to my list of movies to check out - thanks for the recommendation, and thank you for the comment!

J